So the year has come that I'm leaving my teenage days behind me and to say they have been a bit mad would be an understatement. Growing up and finding my way in life has proven to be a scary confusing journey. Nothing at all out of the ordinary. I've had a very simple happy life compared to some, some would even say easy - yeah, there's been no major problems or disasters, however, I was in a constant losing battle with a dark enemy - Myself.
They say school is meant to be the best years of your life... I however am certain they will not be. Don't get me wrong I had a fun time and lovely memories but high school proved to be a very difficult time for me. I always felt these kind of juxtaposed emotions of highly confident and not giving a f**k or sick shook to my stomach. I always thought I knew who I was and what I wanted, but the truth is I was so lost and all over the place I didn't have a clue in the world. I felt things too deeply, everything, little things big things, just everything I would take in and analyse until I hated the decisions I'd made. I tried to fit in too much, I always had my own style which I found hard to express most of the time, I tried to be confident and outgoing wearing what I wanted but the fear it came with sometimes had me not acting myself. I worried too much about what others wanted and not what I wanted, I'd always put friends before myself and often was too naive. I was so caught up in what others thought of me or how they judged me instead of just being confident in me and attracting the right people.
I live my life losing myself completely then finding myself and bouncing back even better. But I'm SICK of losing myself. I always struggled to accept my appearance, never truly loved myself or was happy with myself apart from a few seconds gassing myself up in the mirror. Yet why did I preach self love/acceptance when I couldn't within myself? I guess you could say telling others to was subconsciously me trying to drill the message into myself.
Insecurities from a young age of 12/13 lead to me going on water diets and becoming so skinny. Being skinner made me feel good and like I was socially accepted a little more, but not eating and looking good was not the answer to my problems. After that age 14 I would stupidly drown my thoughts and emotions away with Vodka at parties getting drunk to hide my secret sad insecure self. Which only lead to worse problems after school. For around two years I abused my body with drugs and alcohol, ruining my relationships and future. It gave me this pathetic IDGAF mentality which had a bad effect on my life and relationships with friends/family. My appearance was horrendous, I didn't care for anything, not even myself. All money would go on alcohol, drugs & food if I was even eating.After year 11, I thought I'd have a fresh start in Sixth Form. That place tested me majorly, being suppressed of self expression and freedom, surrounded by un-like minded people it just dragged me further down. I am always trying to better myself and always hoped for better days but for too long I was tangled up in the wrong ropes.
I got stuck in this ugly mindset of who cares who cares who cares, thinking life was all fun and games and that what was meant to be would be - completely in denial of my life that was day by day falling apart. When intoxicated I felt amazing and it was a fun escape at first until I just wanted to take something to escape reality. It couldn't change how I felt in the long run and in-fact probably made me spiral out of control of my life and feeling a lot worse. I would avoid thoughts of the future and live in the moment, the consequences leaving me and others hurt but not enough strength to instantly change. It's a process. I would have dreams of doing these amazing things and going to amazing places but the environment I was surrounding myself in and people I was going out with we're getting in the way of making them into a reality. However, ultimately the blame is on myself because I made every decision. It's all about choices. I tried to go back to sixth form the next year but with me still abusing my body how could I expect that to work? I lost my job and was lucky to be able to work in my parents Cafe or I would have been F'd. My feelings we're broke and I turned all weird but I was just high all the time so didn't give reality much thought. I had a wake up call after events on New Years Eve 2016 where I just realised drastic changes needed to be made.
I needed to change my lifestyle and make my mind and body healthy and happy. That was a challenging time for me mentally. After cutting most people out of my life and trying to avoid the same scenes, I found myself more lost than ever before. I was up, down, up down, lost, found, lost and found. My mind throughout the year however was slowly becoming better. I wasn't going to be healed instantly, and I did still slip back to old ways but I never fell back in. I was stronger and knew where I was heading. I tried a therapist but I was too closed I had to deal with my mind myself - this is NOT advice I would give to other people, I probably would have found it a lot easier if I was open to my friends and family about how I felt.
I started college in September 2017 when I was 18, I loved it a lot but where I wasn't familiar with the education environment and system I struggled to adapt so I was failing. My teachers said I had great potential but may as well drop out as was rarely there. I loved college and the Media and Photography work I was doing so I wasn't going to give up but I also hated conforming to their rules. Stupid really but my mind just wasn't 100% in it. I could feel myself getting better though, I felt different. I felt like after a year of trying to do me, understanding myself and observing the life I was living, it helped me become more sure of what I wanted in the future. So with college I trusted my instincts to do as I felt with my days but to keep the end goal in mind which was passing. I believed in myself and since I started college I haven't fallen at all. I was shaping myself to be the person I dreamed of being. When New Years Eve 2017 came, I was still a little lost in terms of friends and belonging, my friends weren't all a big group and most had babies by now which was mad. So I was still a little lost in those areas, however now I understand that I do only need a few close friends and my family. Rather than focussing on others my focus has been put onto my hobbies, personal goals and my health - this has made me a happier person which has restructured the relationships I had jeopardized in the past.
I become happy with me and liked who I was.
In 2018, my last year of being a teenager, I bought a diary at the start of the year and set myself goals which I am PROUD to have achieved. I'm happy to be thinking for my future unlike before when I couldn't picture it. I've realised my life is more important than any temporary fun or escape. I like my reality now so I have no reason to escape it, I value myself and my life so highly now that I get scared to die. Over many lost crazy years I understood the importance of understanding myself and dealing with things there and then rather than running away from challenges and neglecting myself. I try to get inspired, read, write, exercise and keep a clean tidy life which all helps me to keep moving forward and improving myself. Take time to - Remind yourself who you are, what you're about and where you're going. Volunteering abroad for 3 months really helped me reflect on my life clear my past away and vision what I'm going to do with my future.
Don't be afraid of letting go.
I tell myself now "don't slip" but I'm human I have good and bad days but I will never let myself fall (unless it's in love). Each year I see myself progressing and I love it I'm in competition with myself. I'm still trying to love and accept myself fully but I'm on the right track now. I feel like the person I've always known I was deep down.
To some people life is black and white, we're expected to know what's right and wrong and that's that. But in your teenage years especially, hormones and emotions are all over the place and making the right choices can be hard. It's easy for things to spiral out of control from one bad choice. Therefore it's crucial to raise awareness to the youth on the dangers of drug and alcohol abuse and the effects it has on their future and relationships. Also, helping them to understand their importance as an individual, how to show themselves self respect, know their worth and teach them that they hold the power to create a life the way they want it.
This blog is deep and most people won't care to have even read this far so thank you - I feel like being honest about myself with people is the only way to accept the past and thrive forward.
I'd always wished I was born in the year 2000 so I'd never forget my age because it would always be the year like 2020 I'm 20.. lol. xxxxxx